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relative deprivation
I hoard books, apparently. He wants a clutter-free environment, stark--if you ask me. I want an office filled with wall to wall books, a library with an enormous chair and ottoman that smells like leather and orange blossoms. I want a room, or even a nook, that's just mine, to plaster photographs of friends, and to frame my scarves. A girl den. "The whole house is yours," he insists. "What do I get to decorate?" Yeah, but everything is a compromise. He has to approve the choices. It's why I want a space just for me, to be a girl, aside from my closet.
I compromised and moved what he perceived as clutter (my books) into a corner of our upstairs "game room" area. "Can you hide the books you don't really use or need, that are just plain ugly?" He's speaking of Dogs For Dummies, as his example. And I understand, I do, but back off. It's bad enough that I'm now moving all my books into a corner upstairs. "Yeah, but I see that corner every time I leave the bedroom." So play a little game with yourself, spin and close your eyes, then see if you can find your way to the staircase. I have a case of e-ville today. I know he just wants to hear that I'll try to stop hoarding. "And don't use the writer excuse," he adds, "because you don't write near your books. You write in coffee shops or in bed." I just want to hear, "Since you've moved them all up here, do whatever you wish with them." It's a dumb argument and one clearly not worth having, but this is how it goes, in the unpacking.
"Can't you just put some of them in boxes in a closet?" Why don't I put you in the closet? "What about the ones you'll never even use or open?" I like to know they're there. You never know from where inspiration will strike. And just then, I spot a "Will write for food," type of book about making a living as a food writer, and whack, inspiration strikes upside the head: an image conjures of my hitting him in the skull with a cast-iron skillet. Repeatedly.
So here's my new job: dammit, I will at the very least, once a week, get an idea from a new book and blog about it. Because the books really do inspire me, and aside from Brandy's Piano Bar, I don't feel more alive anywhere than when I'm surrounded by books. I wish I could make a bookstore wing, with arts and crafts tables like this one (all from Pottery Barn). It's a nook, where I can play my music on repeat. There will be an area for gifts, and gift wrapping (this is the best site I've found to get a girl started). Ideally, the guppies will have their own arts and crafts station nearby, with cushioned seating and storage beneath. Smocks and easels. Though I imagine this will need to happen somewhere else. Our upstairs is carpeted, flawlessly, white--or some variation thereof, but it looks white. The family living here before us, had four children, and they still managed to maintain this carpet. Perhaps supplies will be stored in our arts and crafts inspiration wing, but we'll execute downstairs on the hardwood hickory floors, near the kitchen, the hub of inspiration, anyway.
Philip wants the upstairs to be a television den because he loves the view. These are, of course, good "problems" to have, but they still take discussion and compromise. As I've said before, if my things are stowed away in a closet, I won't use them. I need them to be out and about, colored pencils at the ready beside stacks of crisp paper. Ribbon wheels on pillars, eager for the clipping. And his problem is, he doesn't want to have to see any of it. If only we had a basement.
"In everyday life, when people experience an increase in affluence, status, or achievement, they raise the standards by which they evaluate their own attainments...When climbing the ladder of success, people look up, not down (Gruder, 1977; Suls & Tesch, 1978; Wheeler & others, 1982). In this lifetime game of chutes and ladders, I remind myself how lucky I am to even have an upstairs, complete with carpet for crawling, and I realize I've worked hard for these things. He has too, and I need to learn to share more, because I'm not an infant or toddler or toy fox terrier dog. I'm a woman looking for a room of her own, with a view, some shelves, and a crafts desk. I'll get there, and it will be easier knowing that not too long ago at all, I lived in a two room apartment, where I ate on my lap, without room for a dining room table. The feelings of relative deprivation dissolve when I remember that I was just as happy then, without the "upward comparison" catalog life.
October 22, 2006 in book publishing | Permalink
Comments
i read an article somewhere about a spacious laundry room doubling as an arts and crafts hang-out. i like the idea of having a laundry/family area. if i ever had loads of money, i'd do that. sigh. not gonna happen anytime soon.
Posted by: fancy schmancy anxiety maven | Oct 22, 2006 5:28:19 PM
Walls full of books is my favorite decorating style.
Posted by: Barbara E. | Oct 22, 2006 5:28:39 PM
I'm with Barbara E. walls of books are just soooo wonderful. Very New York apartment. Love the Pottery Barn picture too. I'm a fan of that barn!
Posted by: misstraceynolan | Oct 22, 2006 6:01:05 PM
We have this same problem...but in reverse. He works from home...and has done since 2001. His job requires gadgets and electronics and the accompanying tangling mess of electrical cords that go with (each in triplicate for three different world power supplies). I've tried utility shelves and boxes for his reels of wires but he claims he can't find them (it's probably true...he can't find them when they're right in front of him either). Then there's the lights, the umbrellas, the cameras he has to have again, in triplicate, because 'I need each one with a different lense on the ready....I don't have time to keep swapping out'.
Ugh. Good problems to have. You're right. But good problems can still cause problems. Especially when you've been blessed enough to be far removed from the 'real' kind.
Posted by: Buffy | Oct 22, 2006 6:14:00 PM
We've always lived in homes with walls of books, even when we were students in cramped apartments. When we were at the Univ. of Chicago, I loved to take walks in the evenings and catch glimpses of aparments, condos and houses, stuffed to the ceilings with books. Frankly, I am suspicious of people who live in homes without books, or with one measley book case of books. Who are these people? You will notice that the people on MTV Cribs never have books, only the ubiquitous gigantic-screen television. I wholeheartedly agree with you that books should not be hidden away in a closet (except maybe for the worn out paperback mysteries and sci-fi). Whether one chooses to fill their home with books or instead chooses to display a big ass t.v. says a lot.
In addition,with your enormous new house, surely you have a room that can be a dedicated arts & crafts room?
Posted by: marif | Oct 22, 2006 6:16:47 PM
If you need more ammunition there is a Harvard study that shows that kids raised in a house with books are better language users, readers, writers, and test takers than kids raised in a house where books were not visibly present. In this study, it didn't matter how much or little the kids were read to. What mattered was the display of books from an early age let the kids know that language, reading, and writing was valued in their home. Of course reading to them is important, too. But keep the books out and on the shelf, if not for you, then for the guppies.
Posted by: jenwingard | Oct 22, 2006 6:34:09 PM
my husband only complains about the clutter if it leaves my computer/desk area of our bedroom. when the kitchen table is covered in stuff, he starts making remarks. we eat on tv trays in the living room so i don't know what the deal is... i love books too! the more the merrier!
Posted by: leslie | Oct 22, 2006 7:39:26 PM
If my husband asks me one more time why i can't just "throw some books away" i will scream! He really doesn't understand that you never ever throw a book away. I bought each one for a reason and love going back 5 years later and re-reading a good book. I always have a different experience and it would be like throwing away a friend.
He also calls them "unsightly" - what can i do? I compromised and put half in boxes, half in different bookcases in our (unfortunately shared) office.
One day I too will have my own room for whatever I want - and it will have books on every table, stacks on the floor, hanging from skyhooks - wherever the hell i want them! One can only compromise so much on some things...
Posted by: christina | Oct 22, 2006 7:53:02 PM
Oh, to have a dream of a workart room. Or just another room!!!
Well, I have a suggestion that will help you win the argument against getting rid of the "ugly" books. I like a minimalist decor, but hoard books too. So - on my beautiful leaning bookshelves, I have covered all of my books in beautiful coordinated wrapping paper. It really distracts from the cluttered look of so many books and translates to stream-lined monochromatic style! If it blends into the room - maybe he won't notice!!
Also, if you pack them into boxes, you'll most likely never touch them again - bc once you have the two kiddos, who has time to sort through boxes?? So I would suggest that if they go in a box - that the box is then sent to a good cause - like a women's shelter, so someone can get some use and inspiration from them too!
Posted by: blondiebluenyc | Oct 22, 2006 8:03:27 PM
what strikes me is that Phil's attitude about the display of books is closer to an undeducated blue-collar worker than to an educated professional. Haven't books been part of his life? Doesn't he appreciate them and also derive mental sustanence from them?
A library is more important than a crafts room. For a gal who is big on name brands and impressing others, I think you need to insist that your books be displayed on bookshelves. It says to those walking into your home that education matters, that reading matters. No matter how harried your life becomes when you have the twins, don't ever give up on reading and writing. It will be easy to think of giving up reading when their moment to moment needs clamor for attention and you feel overwhelmed. But always keep the books sacred.
Posted by: Bobby Dylan | Oct 22, 2006 8:05:59 PM
i'm so glad jenwingard actually has some useful ammo for you b/c all i can come up with is the fact that i want a girl-den just like the one you described: "filled with wall to wall books, a library with an enormous chair and ottoman that smells like leather and orange blossoms. I want a room, or even a nook, that's just mine, to plaster photographs of friends, and to frame my scarves. A girl den!" mmmm...sounds so lovely...like when you find that pefect spot on the couch or bed where your body fits just so and you can nap with a soft throw...Go Girl Dens!
Posted by: christina | Oct 22, 2006 8:10:41 PM
I think houses without books are cold. Even though my husband doesn't come from a family that reads, he loves to do it (read) and together we have amassed hundreds of books. As for the room of your own, you can't find even a nook somewhere in that behemoth house of yours to call your own? You're creative--I'm sure you'll think of something that you and Phil can agree on. I feel very lucky to have a "girl room" (honestly, that's what I call it) since we live in a 1919 900-square-foot semi-detached. There are only three small bedrooms, but we don't have kids yet, so my husband suggested I use one for whatever I want. I painted all the mouldings pale pink, installed a chandelier and use the closet for overflow and gifts (never thought I'd have a gift closet). I've hung some of my purses on an antique clothes tree. It's a work in progress, and yes, there remain the ubiquitous boxes left over from our move a year ago, but it's my space with which to do as I please. It's a nice feeling.
Posted by: suzanne | Oct 22, 2006 8:13:01 PM
A Room of One's Own. Inspired by the title, still have words of my own in worn pages of paperback college classes. An avid reader since toddler times, I swirled my twins in books. The only things I don't read are studies about books. We need scientific proof of this? Shelve those studies in a dumpster. Babies A and B won't care about a perfectly organized book nook. They will care about their own library cards. And your old books. Your memories. And your mess of your own.
Posted by: Dayna | Oct 22, 2006 8:22:23 PM
Browse an IKEA catalogue. Not that you need to buy anything there, but notice the "stuff". Sparse their rooms are NOT. Neat as a pin? Yes.
It was the first thing I thought of when I read your blog.
Show Philip and yourself how walls of books can look as sleek and modern and CLEAN as you wish.
a new, empty house is overwhelming. My husband so wanted to keep the "open space" after coming from a 1000 sq. ft. house w/3 kids into our new house twice the size. A little thought about traffic patterns and wasted space could be the answer that satisfies both of you.
And not to be a show off, but I do have an art-room (!) Its built into the extra head-space in our garage and it is fabulous!
Posted by: pg | Oct 22, 2006 8:35:01 PM
Stephanie-Would he consider a secret room? Just read in the Orlando Sentinel Home Section about small rooms that can be hidden behind moveable walls or a book case. Here is the link!!! http://www.orlandosentinel.com/classified/realestate/orl-hiddenrooms06oct22,0,174009.story. Then you could have it all but it would be hidden. Here is a company in Texas too that does them!!!
Posted by: Jeff | Oct 22, 2006 8:41:29 PM
I love books too, but let's face it, after you've read a novel once, how many times do you reread it? It might be time to just throw some of them out or give them to a thrift store.
You are new to this living together lark, I think. Believe me, sooner or later, however much you want to combine your two personalities in one apartment, sooner or later one will dominate stylistically. It may take a few years...
Posted by: emma | Oct 22, 2006 9:31:09 PM
Hold out for your own room!!! Our new home is not as big as yours (but I can dream! LOL) but I still got my own room. So did he. And it is just as I want it and he stays out. I have all my books (which he insisted must go in my room) and all my collectibles and art and supplies. We have a computer area, but with wireless, I can take my laptop upstairs to my room where my clips and books and all are arranged, and work in surrounding that please me. But he's a bit of a hoarder, being a collector of "political memorabilie" so that we have political books (most autographed, well, the contemporary ones) and his room has most of it and all his buttons. But he allows books downstairs--we have nieces and nephews so we have a shelf set aside downstairs where they can grab a book, and we have one whole wall of bookshelves in the den. Hold out for your own room for your books and your decorating and a nice big "boys stay out" sign. LOL.
Posted by: Tobey | Oct 22, 2006 9:34:36 PM
In a few more months, these will be the least of your problems!!
For now, consider raising the books from the twins' future grasp! (Along with anything else you may value!)
Posted by: Dru | Oct 22, 2006 11:09:25 PM
Oh man...I would be PISSED. *L* I love my books...I even blogged about my books (with happy bookshelf pics)
Posted by: Twila | Oct 22, 2006 11:11:00 PM
Don`t pack them up! I love to read and need my books like water and air. Its kind of surprising to read that Philip doesn`t want to have books out there.
Posted by: Meryl | Oct 23, 2006 12:16:08 AM
Stephanie,
Totally off topic but have you looked at javisdavis.com ? They have the cutest baby bedding ever and have both custom fabrics and ready made. Really loverly stuff.
Blessings to you and the babes,
Kim
Posted by: Kim | Oct 23, 2006 3:25:47 AM
I agree with Marif - I'm always a little uncomfortable in houses without books in them. I like the insight they give you into the personalities of the people who live there, and the numerous worlds at your fingertips. I dream of a library with floor to ceiling books, an open fire with an armchair for snuggling, and a window seat. One day....
Posted by: Anwen | Oct 23, 2006 5:37:11 AM
WHERE, HOW, IS LINUS??
Posted by: Carol | Oct 23, 2006 7:10:14 AM
See, in my world, I want no say as to the decoration, design, or layout to the home. I want one room that is mine, and mine alone, but she can have the rest. This is my vision because I persoannly couldn't care less how the whole damn thing is decorated, at the end of the day. However, nearly every woman I have ever known or dated wants to somehow involve their man in this task.
Posted by: Justin | Oct 23, 2006 8:45:43 AM
I hate to tell him, but if Phil wants a clutter-free environment, he is in for a rude awakening once your babies arrive. YOUR books will be the least of it. "Goodnight Moon" is a must. We still have 3 copies for each of my 3 kids. Just had to keep them. You won't have to buy them; they're popular as "attached to gift" gifts. My favorite book was given to my daughter and me (my third child) after already having 2 boys. It's called "Me & You - A Mother-Daugher Album" by Lisa Thiesing. It made me cry. Even though my daughter is now 8 yrs old, she still lets me read it w/ her once in a while. My kids all have a ton of books. (In fact, this week is the Book Fair at school, meaning, more books on the way). So, Phil will just have to adjust - to a lot more than just having your books around the house! And...it's all good!
Posted by: Andrea | Oct 23, 2006 9:12:06 AM
Also wondering about Linus!
Posted by: DeannaBanana | Oct 23, 2006 9:22:51 AM
CLUTTER FREE? ahahahahahahaha! Just wait until you have these kids. JUST...WAIT.
Posted by: Sam | Oct 23, 2006 10:02:19 AM
A possible solution is to have bookcases with doors on them. This blunts the untidy visual of a bookcase.
I'm a "love me, love my books", kind of person. In one relationship, I moved in with the person in question unexpectedly after moving cross-country. He was welcoming and made space for things, but this didn't include any of my books. He didn't understand how unhappy I was without my books. It took him about a year to really understand this. I never feel at home until I have my books in bookcases.
I recently watched as friends of mine had a condo built. He told her that her rooms to decorate were the bathrooms and the kitchen. Then he forced his design sense on her in every single room in the house. I'm still spitting mad for her.
Posted by: geek | Oct 23, 2006 10:16:47 AM
Yeah, what happened to the Lineman?
Posted by: pnutz | Oct 23, 2006 10:27:24 AM
oh, i DO want to like him, i really do, particularly because you do, but it's so DIFFICULT sometimes! how many square feet is your new house (2500+?)?! how is pack-ratty for a writer who loves books and the inspiration they give to actually want a bookshelf full of books?! particularly since said books and said writing...ahem...contribute greatly to the ownership of that house... ::sigh::
Posted by: LG | Oct 23, 2006 11:16:34 AM
Girl, you must have a place that is "you", especially after the babies...that will be your refuge and there is nothing more comforting and cozy than a room crammed with books, and "stuff" that means the world to you. A rainy night with a cozy little lamp on and a room full of books...all that is missing is a cup of tea and some fuzzy slippers.
Posted by: Easyfriend-zy | Oct 23, 2006 11:41:46 AM
I can see both sides. You will find out, within two years, that no matter how much room you have, you don't have enough room. At some point, you have to get rid of stuff. You probably have at least 100 books that you will never look at again. Get rid of them. If you find out two years from now that you need Doggies for Dummies, go out and buy it. The peace of mind from a nice looking work area will far exceed the $5 you just wasted.
OTOH, there is a reason for having his&her spaces. If you decide what his space should look like, or if he decides yours, it isn't really yours or his anymore.
My suggestion is to simply hire an interior decorator. Assuming that this is a long-term space, they can design and build bookshelves to display your books, your collectible, and your photos. They can help you decide what is important to you. But most importantly. since are a 3rd party, they will decide what the room looks like, so that neither you nor Phil will feel that your opinion is being ignored.
Posted by: JoeyB | Oct 23, 2006 11:50:11 AM
I completely understand the need to have your books around you. I am such a bibliophile that the number of books in my apartment is ridiculous--packed bookshelves, neat stacks on the floor and easy access boxes. When I get the space, I would love a library for all my collections. But is this something I absolutely need? Not at all--I'm quite content with the overflowing bookshelves and neat stacks on the floor--I actually like the look.
But more importantly--when living with someone, everyone needs his/her own space!
Posted by: Suzanne | Oct 23, 2006 11:51:06 AM
OK...
For the record, I have nothing against books. In fact, I wrote a children's book with Frank McCourt titled "A Day Without Books" which lamented about the sadness of a world with no books.
I am fine with having books in the house. I am fine with having books on a bookshelf. My issue is living with someone who finds it difficult to throw away things and doesn't tidy up. I do most if not all of the cleaning. If books (like "dogs for dummies" which is NEVER read and probably given as a gift or found) can be given away it would show selectivity. It would be one less book i'd have to pick up once it was taken down to get another book.
If I said I love music and having a home with albums or CD's from floor to ceiling is what I wanted, would anyone argue? It would be silly and not a decorating style. What's the difference? How about baseball cards? Elvis collectible plates?
Recap- I'm cool with books and bookshelves. When the line between utility, decor and clutter gets blurred I speak up. Compromise.
Posted by: The Suitor | Oct 23, 2006 12:06:46 PM
I didn't have my own space when I was married. *He* had his own study, I had "the rest of the house"...took getting divorced to get my own space. Now it's all mine, and I love it. Books, clutter and all.
Maybe your own room with your very own door that he never has to go into is the way to handle it. Mom's private space will be a necessary haven when the babies arrive. No need for anyone to judge what it looks like behind that door.
Posted by: 3 teens' mom | Oct 23, 2006 12:28:04 PM
carol/DeannaBanana/pnutz: maybe she had to get rid of him...
;)
Posted by: LG | Oct 23, 2006 12:30:36 PM
I took over my husband's messy cd room a year ago (he's a CRAZY music collector--we're talking tens of thousands of CD's and LP's). I painted the walls hot pink, put up curtains made of brightly colored saris, bought an orange glass desk and installed a cozy white loveseat and a big shelf of my books (Puppies for Dummies among the mix).
Living with someone else is always a compromise. But there is definitely something to be said for having a space that just speaks to who you are as an individual. I find it to be a really peaceful excape zone.
Posted by: Maggie Sumner | Oct 23, 2006 12:35:20 PM
Phil -
I see your point, to an extent. Clutter is one thing, but books neatly lined on a bookcase is quite another. To me, those are two separate issues. Maybe your real issue is the clutter (although I think you also object to the books given your analogy to Elvis collectible plates and record albums). Also, if you are doing most of the housework, I highly recommend a house cleaning service. My husband was doing most of the cleaning (he's the neat one) and hiring someone else to do it eased a lot of tension between us and gave us more free time together.
As far as bookcases, you don't have to have them all clustered together if you find that look overwhelming. We have a wall of bookcases in our den but there are more bookcases in the office and even more in the basement. All told, I think we have close to twenty bookcases full of books.
Here are some ideas that might appeal to you:
http://www.roomandboard.com/rnb/collection.do?method=get&id=378594&cat=25
http://www.roomandboard.com/rnb/collection.do?method=get&id=377409&cat=56
http://www.restorationhardware.com/rh/catalog/product/product.jsp?productId=885&navCount=2
For this one, check out the room view:
http://www.crateandbarrel.com/family.aspx?c=996&f=1579&viewall=1
Also, don't forget about barrister bookcases (Levenger has some nice ones), which have glass doors that minimize the look of walls of books.
Mari
p.s. - Weren't you bitten on the face not all that long ago by Linus? I think you better keep Dogs for Dummies on the night stand, for quick reference. :)
Posted by: marif | Oct 23, 2006 12:42:24 PM
First, isn't your house like 5,000 sq ft?? I would think in a house that big you could each find space for yourselves.
Second, once your babies come (and get past 4 months) you house is going to be so littered with the most appalling garbage, a few nice book shelves will seem like a dream.
Third, does Phil ever get angry that sometimes he comes across as well, kind of ...an idiot. I am sure he is wonderful, and this is your space to vent so we only see one side, but my husband gets annoyed when I repeatedly tell my 3 close girlfriends about is "idiot" male behaviorisms. I can't imagine how he would react if I was blogging about it to the whole world.
Posted by: Beth | Oct 23, 2006 1:07:01 PM
Greatest Independent Book Store: Powell's City of Books in Portland, Oregon www.Powells.com
You're correct, in that this dilemma of yours is a good one to have... I find myself in a tiny NYC apartment. After giving up a 2,300 sq ft. home (Not big, but ideal for me & my daughter). We gladly did so in order to relocate to NY after she was accepted into a wonderful French immersion school here in Manhattan.
My little girl (Soon to be 13 and not so little anymore) is an avid reader. She read 56 books last summer alone. The solutions I've found to owning too many books: 1. Go to the library. 2. Recycle books by selling them back to stores when can. 3. Buy Used Books whenever possible. 4. Keep only the ones that have special meaning to you.
I'm a big believer that our society as a whole has become static. I prefer a dynamic approach to living. I can own things temporarily, enjoy it, and let it go... This wasn't always the case for me as I used to be a Shopaholic. Not anymore. I don't feel a need to own more than we actually need now days. I'm certain that this is attributed to the shift in my priorities. My daughter's education has truly become top priority. She not only recognizes this, but values her education as a result of the sacrifices we've made. This ambitious-move has proven to be a very positive one for both of us.
As for the Craft Room, love it!! I had a similar space in my garage, I called it "My Studio'. Obviously, no one in their right mind needs nearly as much gift wrap as was shown in the photograph (Simply select a few signature rolls). Perhaps this could be an all-in-one room for you, and your work.
As for the books that you currently own, (you might consider selling some). I've always dispersed books around the house by category. Place a select group of Cookbooks/Entertaining/Wine in the kitchen, maybe add some Erotica to Phil's night stand as a way of saying "Lighten Up" ; ), and so on. Certainly, Phil would appreciate having easy access to a standard library such as Dictionaries/Thesaurus etc. And perhaps a more traditional library on display in a formal library or living room. I think he's probably just overwhelmed by everything; and the mass books is simply a way of venting a little. But like everything, moderation is key. Perhaps you'd be willing to rotate some of your books that you're not able or willing to get rid of.
At any rate, I just wanted to make a few suggestions. I admire many of the choices you've made in life. It's ironic that as you've moved out to the suburbs in order to provide your children a better lifestyle -- I've moved mine to NYC for the same reason. I certainly am glad that she will have had both ways of life. It will be fun to see what becomes of her! Many parents from her school have asked if I were scared to move here since I am a single parent -- Never crossed my mind. We see NYC as endless opportunities...
Wishing you and your beautiful family all of the happiness that your hearts and hands can hold,
Sheree
Posted by: sheree | Oct 23, 2006 1:14:04 PM
I had the same problem - avid readaholic with a husband who doesn't want "older, faded books" out in public. So he splurged and bought me THIS for some of my more faded favorites:
http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=13206456&c= - side view
http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=13206456&c=&v=&ddi=/products/83/c9/13206456gx1.jpg - front view
NOTHING says AWESOME conversation piece like an **Egyptian sarcophagus bookcase!** This way they're out in the open but he doesn't have to see them. And it really goes with the rustic, cherrywood-ish, old-fashioned library look.
Posted by: Readaholic | Oct 23, 2006 1:25:25 PM
I think the "side view" link got cut off, so here it is again (as if you couldn't find it on the "front view" page, but perfectionism is as perfectionism does):
http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=13206456&c=&v=&ddi=/products/83/c9/13206456x.jpg
Posted by: Readaholic | Oct 23, 2006 1:29:05 PM
This whole "Here's why I'm upset with the Suitor!" followed by the response from the Suitor himself, especially when we all know you read and have to manually approve comments and therefore have read his response, is repulsive in its passive-aggressiveness.
Perhaps less time airing dirty laundry and more time cleaning it up.
Readers amusement be damned, this public crap does not bode well for a marriage filled with mutual respect.
Posted by: Sallie | Oct 23, 2006 1:33:36 PM
That statement shouldnt be accompanied by a wink and a smile, LG! (I'm teasing, but as a dog lover it gives me pause) But- recall the wedding thoughts? It would have been perfection if the Lineman were there (heavily paraphrased, obviously) does that sound like someone who would get rid of the dog and not make mention of it?
Regarding the books, how about awesome lawyer shelves, glass fronted?
Phil! That is way cool. I LOVE Frank McCourt!
Stephanie? Still anxiously awaiting pictures of the happiest things! Cant wait to see the wedding et al!
Posted by: DeannaBanana | Oct 23, 2006 1:37:18 PM
"Third, does Phil ever get angry that sometimes he comes across as well, kind of ...an idiot."
Does he come across as an idiot, or does he come across as an idiot to YOU? I'm saying he is right or wrong, but you must admit that he does have a point. If my wife and kids use their 'toys' on a regular basis, and are at least semi-neat with them, it's not a problem. But if it is 50 bags and boxes of crap that doesn't see the light of day, then what's the point?
Let's reverse the positions. Let's say that Phil has a room devoted to exercise/sports. He has weights, ropes, goggles, paraphanalia, whatever, but he only works out once a month, and Steph is the one cleaning the room all the time. Would Steph be right in saying 'use it or lose it'? I think she would be, and I don't really see much of a difference between the books and exercise equipment.
It all depends on whose ox is being gored, but they're still better off handing off the problem to an interior decorator.
Posted by: JoeyB | Oct 23, 2006 1:40:56 PM
I have a more than a couple of things to say, probably 5 cents rather than 2. I find it amusing how some think the number of books you have in your home actually accounts for some type of value of intellect. I am one of those "one bookshelf" type of people, yet consider myself pretty well read. I just found it comes to a matter of space when you don't have much to begin with. I have kind of given in to the less is more concept, realizing that when it comes to books, there are the select few that really actually mean anything-either sentiment (Puppies for Dummies) or I actually value it that much that I really have read it twice. I guess you can call me a reformed packrat. I can see how your case is different, being both creative (so not me) and a writer, but I also see Phil's point, since I am the housekeeper too. What a great problem to have, I really hope it works out. Finally-PLEASE-what's up with Linus? Did you send him to Leah's? Or is he running like crazy all over Beer Acres? All I have is my furkid too, so I can't even imagine how it would feel not having him around. I already lost one a few months ago, and still pretty hurt by that. Ok, that's it. Glad to hear from BOTH of you this time.
Posted by: atxchick- | Oct 23, 2006 2:10:03 PM
Phil :
Wow! a book with Frank McCourt, impressive!
Kids, please don't argue about books, life is too short.
Posted by: Jane | Oct 23, 2006 2:13:54 PM
The Lineman is grand. Exhausted, but grand. He now gets so much exercise he doesn't know what to do with himself. Mostly, I find him passed out in a rectangle of sunlight, on the wooden floors. This morning, he went into the sitting room/sun room, connected to our bedroom through French doors. He was sitting on the top of a chair, lounging, looking out the window. I went into the bathroom to run the shower water, only to hear him go into a barkfest. He saw some type of large bird, down below, walking in our yard. You'd have thought it was an intruder. He is, and will always be, my very sweet bean. Though, he is NOT good with children, and nearly foams at the mouth when they're around. He will probably have to go to Montana with Lea... which I will discuss at another time. I can't think about it now. I love him so much it hurts.
As for The Suitor (who will always be my dear suitor), he thinks I have too many books. "It's bad enough," he said this morning, "that I have to look at all the cookbooks in the kitchen. Now you want to add them to our living room?" I figured really nice hardcover interior design books belonged on shelves in our living room (which is not formal). If I had a "library room," I'd put them there. As it is, he says I can choose which books I want for the office, but the rest have to go upstairs (hidden in a corner), and even within those, he insists I "hide" the uglier ones, like said yellow and black Dummies book. I do need a room of my own. I wonder how I can achieve this.
Posted by: stephanieklein | Oct 23, 2006 2:21:47 PM
it was a (poorly-worded) joke, given that it seems she has to get rid of everything else she loves. justa joke though. :)
Posted by: LG | Oct 23, 2006 2:27:08 PM
I know LG and as you can see, Stephanie has responded. I totally knew you were not serious though and I am sad to say that I see what I feared is the case.
Talk when you are ready for it Stephanie, it is a responsible and wise choice and Im sure the Lineman's Aunt Lea will make a wonderful Mommy!
I am sorry to hear of it though, it is heartbreaking, indeed.
All the best,
Deanna
Posted by: DeannaBanana | Oct 23, 2006 2:43:39 PM
Just a couple of Linus possibilities: maybe he will regard the guppies as part of the pack, not intruders, though I question if he has the "pack" mentality and recognizes that he is lowest in status; secondly, how about creating an outdoor living situation for him with lots of rain, hot and cool weather shelter, interesting doggie spaces, fencing, etc. It's not like he's going to have to go through blizzards or sleet storms. As long as there's sufficient shelter, food and water, I can't see why a dog can't live outdoors in a Texas-type climate.
Montana's nice too.
Posted by: Barbara E. | Oct 23, 2006 3:06:15 PM
The interior decorator who works with our homeowners says each adult should have a space that is entirely his or hers to decorate and do with what he or she pleases. That's not as easy in a small space, but in 5k square feet, you guys should be able to work that out.
Posted by: Sally Parrott Ashbrook | Oct 23, 2006 3:19:01 PM
I second the suggestion for an interior designer, but remember, an interior designer, like a doctor, broker, spouse, partner must be someone with whom you can communicate well. There are so many ways of pleasing both of you & all it takes is the right person to interpret each of your requirements. I fully understand your need to be surrounded by books. My husband and share that trait. There are built in book cases in our den, our living room, & three of our four bedrooms. Our kitchen has both a free-standing antique bookcase & a book shelf devoted to a large collection of cookbooks. However, I need order & his idea of order is dropping things wherever they happen to fall & asking me to find them later. We co-exist well though thanks to space-planning.
Posted by: Carole | Oct 23, 2006 3:35:10 PM
er phil sounds like he is not very intellectual if he would rather have a TV room than a book room.
Posted by: toodles | Oct 23, 2006 3:55:33 PM
I had no idea when my fiance and I moved in together that I'd be the one desperately needing my own space and he'd be the one who couldn't stand to be alone.
Unrelated, is anyone besides me surprised that The Suitor wrote a book with none other than Frank McCourt?? That's too cool, but totally unexpected!
Posted by: Rachel | Oct 23, 2006 4:32:11 PM
where does phil propose to put the 500 board books you are about to acquire? in the diaper genie? as others have astutely pointed out, clutter is about to become your unconquerable enemy, once the kids come
and the kids will insist that books surround them: children treat them like best friends to visit with, read and paged through again and again and again
good luck trying to keep them hidden away, or even on a bookshelf
Posted by: linda | Oct 23, 2006 4:50:09 PM
Why don't you try a dog trainer for Linus? Do you think he really is beyond repair? It may be worth looking into...
Posted by: Bklnite | Oct 23, 2006 4:54:05 PM
that was just good writing. thanks for a few minutes of reader-joy.
Posted by: erin | Oct 23, 2006 5:52:53 PM
"er phil sounds like he is not very intellectual if he would rather have a TV room than a book room."
Intellectual snobbery, pure and simple. Let's say that SK's books are all Harlequin romances, and all Phil watches is TLC, A&E, and Bio. Is he still not intellectual? Suppose Phil was the top engineer for a global empire, but wanted nothing more than to watch the Three Stooges after his 14 hour day? I think it is extremely narrow-minded to assume someone is not an intellectual simply because they would rather have a TV room than a book room. I've heard rumors that you can actually take Plato's Republic out of the library, and not even own a book room.
Posted by: JoeyB | Oct 23, 2006 6:08:34 PM
I've been eying that table in Pottery Barn catalog for a while now. I hope in my next home to have a "work room" that would serve as a family center with big counter table, book shelves, computer. I want my kitchen to be a place for cooking and eating and my work room to be the place for wrapping presents, doing art projects with the kids, collecting permission slips, folding laundry. I want tack boards and cubbies and chalk boards.
Posted by: susan | Oct 23, 2006 9:19:05 PM
I say keep all the books where you can see em! I live in the smallest apartment with my boyfriend and I brought as many books as I could and they are everywhere because I love to read and he just has to deal with it. I love to go to bookstores but you wouldn't believe the fights we've gotten into because we go to Borders and I'll spend hundreds of hours and dollars there.
Posted by: christine | Oct 23, 2006 10:27:38 PM
My 8 yr old daughter has an art table w/ shelves full of art supplies in the playroom - a nice set-up, whereas I do my decoupage on a plastic sheet on the floor in my bedroom. Something is seriously wrong w/ this picture! I'd love my own art room. I could go on and on and on w/ I want, I want, I want, and I also look at lots of catalogs and pick out all the things I'd love, but for now I make do with my bedroom floor. It works, although I do get back aches from sitting on the floor and leaning over to work, but then at least I have an excuse for a massage!!
Posted by: Andrea | Oct 23, 2006 11:05:06 PM
I have a girl den with warm walls the color of cranberry jam! With ALL my books stacked all over the place, my Jamaican art work on the walls, flowers and sunshine mirrors and big D R E A M letters spray-painted metallic gold over my french doors. The chair I fell in love with from Sears Outlet that was $250 and too much money for us at that time. Funky lighting, blankets and fuzzy pillows. I would live in this room if I could. Man, it even makes me feel good writing about it.
Posted by: Manic Mom | Oct 24, 2006 12:22:02 AM
I read about your blog in an Orlando, Florida, USA Newspaper article interview that I linked to via Steve Rubel's blog post. I live in Australia. Isn't the blogosphere great! My girlfriend and I have some problems just like yours (and it seems we're not alone!). She is very creative and our bedroom (designed by her) has a very nice feel to it, but she's also messy (leaving dirty clothes everywhere, doesn't cause her any problems) whereas I find it hard to think clearly and am always cleaning up after her.
It's hard to find a balance in a relationship: balancing space, values, time, desires about what each of us want and expect from each other. You are right in looking back to the past and realising that there are people much worse off than us but who are still happy. Still, we know what we feel is right, and our heads clash often. I wish we could simplify and just be happy about the basic things in life.
Posted by: Jesse | Oct 24, 2006 2:27:19 AM
I agree with Sallie.
Posted by: Carol | Oct 24, 2006 7:07:34 AM
Just a thought about Linus...isn't he a Jack Russell, or some type of terrier? I know they are sassy little things, but have you ever wondered, maybe he would be protective of the little ones once they become mobile? I've seen many terriers with little ones who adjust to the new family members.
Posted by: Easyfriend-zy | Oct 24, 2006 11:14:00 AM
We too have space, and although I had a lovely cottage before I moved in with my beloved, we have much more space than we really need but sometimes I still manage to moan about we are going to use it. A good problem to have, you're right.
I also love my books, but my beloved would dump them all in an instant and has maybe read 3 non-fiction books in his life; two about rugby and one about motorbikes. We have managed by using Ikea Expedit shelves as a room divider, which I think makes the books look pretty but I have sort of hidden the ugly ones. He also knows that the garage is his domain, where he can hang out with the motorbike he read a book about!
Posted by: HelenSparkles | Oct 24, 2006 12:21:24 PM
Our home is FULL of books...we have a library, records, DH has 30 feet of vinyl...we have a music room. We don't have a huge house but these "things" are what makes our house our home. I really think you need a room of your own to nest in. With twins on the way expect clutter.
Posted by: JO | Oct 24, 2006 12:31:24 PM
my husband and i each have our own space, and it's fantastic! it's a jack and jill type room, which is great b/c i can sew or knit or spin, and he can do his projects, but we're still kind of spending time together. My room is pumpkin orange with a wall of shelves (yarn and fabric and books) and is a complete mess. I think it's important to have a space all your own when you're married. it keeps things sane. by no means do we have the space for it, but it makes the rest of our living space so much better.
Posted by: megan | Oct 24, 2006 2:25:33 PM
When I moved to Texas I donated 15 boxes crammed with books to my local public library. I wish I had each and every box. Make a library for yourself. You won't regret it.
Posted by: damn yankee | Oct 24, 2006 3:47:35 PM
That's true actually damn yankee, I sold a suitcase full of books, and regret every single one. I also remember every single one (I think!) even though I had to throw the list away because it was too painful to keep. The second hand dealer didn't even want them that much.
Posted by: HelenSparkles | Oct 24, 2006 7:22:19 PM
I agree with Sallie.
Secondly, how can you get rid of your books? They are the best things to own. I hear what people say, and I can relate to the selectivity of wanting to keep only the 'special' books, but what if most of the books you read are ones that mean the most to you; then you can't get rid of them! And I also understand, living in NYC.
PS- how come the Suitor's book does not show on amazon.com when I search under Frank McCourt? Is this for real?
PPS- why is Leah in Montana, what is there? That is so opposite to NY... I don't remember hearing what she does exactly out there, except maybe that she's a makeup artist. But in Montana? Wouldn't that field be best in the coastal cities?
Posted by: chasti | Oct 25, 2006 11:09:43 AM
Oh no, I can't believe Linus will have to go live with Lea. I think he will accept the guppies. Give him a chance. He will know that they came from you and that they are part of the family. We had three dogs when I came home from the hospital with my daughter. Border collie mix, lasa-poo, and weiner dog. They all loved her and were very protective. I only moved back home a month before I gave birth and had been gone a year. They accepted her whole heartedly. Terriers can be aggressive, but they are also very protective of their pack. This is heartbreaking. He's been through so much with you. Please give Linus a chance.
Posted by: damn yankee | Oct 25, 2006 12:52:33 PM
When I was eight months old, my parents' sheltie attacked me. If the bite had been any higher, I would have needed a glass eye. I'm not going to advise you on whether to send Linus to Lea's, as I've never met him, but I think it's irresponsible for people (many of whom also presumably don't know Linus "in person") to tell you they don't think he'll be a problem with the twins. How can they know?
Oh, and I still love dogs. Shelties are actually one of my favorite breeds, in spite of what happened. (It probably helps that the incident is not part of my active memory.)
Posted by: Kat | Oct 25, 2006 9:16:57 PM
